(Belle) Sometimes you suddenly have to juggle a lot of things.
But whatever life throws at me -
being a madam, a prostitute,
even a girlfriend -
I can do it all.
(Phone rings)
Discreet Elite.
- Yeah, she does do that. - (Doorbell rings)
All right. OK, thanks very much.
Bye.
Morning, miss. And where would you like your gramophone?
- God, l haven't had a record player in years. - l know. That's why l got it for you.
Thank you. lt's beautiful. l love it. Thank you.
Sorry. Now you've got lipstick.
- Lipstick? - Yes. Come in.
What have we got here?
( Rock music playing)
(Belle) l like that. (Laughs)
Do you remember that club? Do you remember that club?
- Get up. - No.
- Yes! Get up! - No!
Whoo! (Laughing)
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Bam!
Mmm! Mmm!
Oh, Poppy, good morning. Look what Ben got me.
Oh, that's cool. Hi, Ben.
Oh! Coffee. Lifesaver.
- Morning, Poppy. - Morning.
Hey! (Snaps fingers) Girlfriend, here.
Girl that's, like, ten years younger than you, there.
- Girlfriend? - Yes.
lnteresting. See, l'm hoping that my girlfriend
will soon have some time to see me when she's not being a madam.
Shh. She might hear you.
And anyway, l'm not really a madam.
l'm just... l'm just helping out an old friend. Just for a couple of weeks.
- lf she gets out. - Yeah, she will get out.
- (Mobile phone beeps) - And l will...
make some time for you, l promise.
Brilliant. What about some time right now?
No, l can't right now cos l've got to go and see the girls.
OK, well, what, erm... What about...
- Are you working this afternoon? - l'm off at 2:00.
- OK, great. l can pick you up from work. - All right, great.
(Sighs)
Everything's under control.
(lndistinct chatter)
- Oh, it's the supply teacher. - Morning, all. Everyone all right?
- Mm-hm. - Yeah?
That's really good. So...
You're late.
- Yeah, sorry. l did try and... - Try harder.
OK...
First...
l need some new supplies. Whips, handcuffs. l'll get you a list.
(Laughs) Yeah, right.
l'm not one of your submissives, Charlotte. What's next - put me in a gimp mask?
(Laughing)
So, first client...
Tim.
Very sweet guy.
Virgin.
(Sighs)
- Kat, what do you... - No, no virgins.
They're too needy. They practically lick your face.
They're all over you. lt's like... feeding time at the monkey house.
- And they come too quick. - Yeah.
And you gotta do it again and again just to fill up the time.
- Or you have to talk to them for ages. - Yeah, and then they get all clingy.
- (Laughs) - ''But l'm in love with you.''
(Both retching)
All right, a bit of professionalism here, please.
This from the woman who kept us all waiting.
Every virgin l've ever had has been great.
No. Better than great.
No bad habits, no bad reviews, no trouble.
(Slurping)
Will somebody please take Tim?
You're so keen on him. Why don't you take him?
All right, l will. Yeah. l will take Tim.
You can always spot a virgin.
There's the ones who have been to an all-boys school,
the ones who are hooked on porn,
the terminally unattractive,
and the guys who tried once, but something bad happened.
But whichever Tim is, l'm gonna go in there
and give him the best damn night of his life.
Granted, l may not be much of a madam,
but l'm one hell of an escort.
(Sighs)
Look at you.
So, you, er...you said on the phone this was your first time.
- That's OK, isn't it? - Yeah.
l just wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing. You only get one first time.
- Are you sure you want it to be this? - Yeah. Yeah.
Don't be nervous. You're gonna have a lovely time.
- You won't be needing this. - (Shudders)
l just need to know what it's like.
Sure.
And there's only one way to find out, isn't there?
Yes.
Ooh.
- They're amazing, aren't they? - You like touching them, don't you?
You can be... really gentle, Tim.
You're not trying to get Blu-Tack off the wall.
(Chuckles) You're funny.
OK, yeah, that's really nice. Yes. Just there. Mm-hm.
lt's not like l expected.
- lt's quite a weird organ. - ls it?
You open one door, and...find another.
Hmm.
Why don't we try this?
Er, wait.
Yeah, we can do whatever you want. What do you want to do?
Can we just lie here for a bit?
(Laughs)
Just for a bit.
(Tim) Mmm.
ls everything all right, Tim?
Yeah.
This is really nice.
l'm gonna go.
What?! No. Why?
Belle, thank you. Honestly, it was perfect.
l didn't think it was.
Are you sure? Or...
Positive. Thank you so much.
OK, let me... let me tell you how l feel, Tim.
l feel as though l haven't really fulfilled my role in this. Do you...
l promise, you did.
You were great. l'll see you.
Bye.
- Right, l mean... - (Door closes)
Why go and see a prostitute if you don't want to have sex?
(Gasps) Er...
Where is she?
Belle? She's at work, l think. Can l take a message?
A message? What a good idea.
Make a list. One - gold handcuffs.
Gold...handcuffs.
(Mobile phone rings)
What on earth do you think you're doing, you appalling little man?
You don't call me. l call you.
Don't grovel! lt sickens me.
(Hangs up)
Er, gold handcuffs.
- Oh. Oh, that's a contract thing, right? - What?
- l was thinking ''handcuffs''. - Charlotte!
- Oh, l was making a list. - What?
Trevor! Here's the rest. Get back to me.
- Now we speak. - Oh!
Do you want me to use the clamps?
Ciao.
- Who was that? - That was Charlotte.
Charlotte...has some issues.
- (Doorbell rings) - Oh! Charlotte!
- What?! - Hi. Me again.
- Did you just follow me home? - Not in a creepy way. l need to...
No, no. There isn't a non-creepy way.
l really need to talk to you. l can pay for your time.
lt's completely inappropriate for you to follow me here.
- OK? l haven't got time for this. - l know. l'm sorry. l just...
Er...
No, hang on, hang on, wait.
Sorry, that was... That was unfair. Look, you'd better come in.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah. Just come in.
- Hello. - Hi.
Er, Tim, why don't you just go through there and make yourself comfortable?
Poppy, l need you to do me a favour. l need to speak with my friend Tim,
and so you need to go down to the bar and tell Ben l'm running late.
Sure.
(Sighs) OK.
l haven't been completely straight with you.
- l'm not really a virgin. - Right.
Well, l am...but l'm not.
- But... - But...
The thing is... Oh, it's silly, really.
Do you know Katy Perry?
Yeah, yeah. ''l kissed a girl and...''
Oh, you...kissed a girl and you liked it?
Yeah.
Which was a bit of a surprise, because l'm gay.
- So, it caught me unawares, so to speak. - Hang on. You're gay?
(Laughs)
You're gay! That's why!
lt didn't work. Exactly! l didn't want it to work.
l came round to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong.
Thanks! Of course!
Ohh, that feels good.
(Sighs)
But this whole kissing a girl thing, it's been screwing with my head for the last month.
That's why l came to you. Oh, your web site is very professional.
l'm a web designer, so... Anyway...
my lovely friend Sophie had just split up with her boyfriend, Fat Phil,
and there was a big bottle of vodka
and these tiny little glasses, so we were quite pissed.
And then suddenly we were having this big old snog.
She was, ''We can't do this. We're mates. You're...''
- Gay. - Yeah.
So, l was, like, ''Sorry, l was really drunk'', but...
- But it made you think you were straight? - No, no. l was born gay, no question.
But l did want to sleep with her.
So, l had to make sure. lt was driving me crazy.
But l didn't want anyone to find out, so that's why l came to you.
But it didn't work, so...sorted.
Glad to have failed you, Tim.
lt's just...
l think l've had the worst month of my life.
(Sighs) l feel like l don't know who l am or what l'm doing.
- Do you have time for this? - Er, yeah. Yeah, l can make time.
Yo.
Yo. What are you doing here?
Message from Belle - Tim's come round, so she's running late.
- Who's Tim? - Don't know. Some guy.
Twenties, blonde, cute.
Did she say how late?
Well, that's just fuckin' magic, isn't it?
- (Chuckles) - l know! After what happened with Sophie,
l actually had this image of myself as a straight man.
Pipe and slippers?
Er, hunky builder, thank you.
(Whip cracks)
Oh, God. You're thinking camp builder, aren't you?
- Yes. - That's how everyone sees me at work!
They all love ''the only gay in the office''.
To my mum, l'm this creative one in the family who's bound to find the right man.
And now this.
Listen, l know... l mean...
(Sighs)
l'm a prostitute.
I'm a madam...
also known as a night-time legal secretary.
And along with all ofthat, I'm a girlfriend.
(Beeping)
- A rubbish girlfriend. - l'm sure you're not.
You know, maybe you... or maybe we just need to accept that
all of those bits of us are still us.
You know, they're all you, and they're all me,
and it's just about finding the balance between them.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye.
And relax.
Look, l'll make it up to Ben, all right?
(Sighs)
We'll have a lovely... romantic evening.
( Piano music playing)
(Doorbell rings)
Good. You're here.
What? What do you want? Don't you ever listen? Stop coming here.
Happily.
Just give me Stephanie's book, let me run the agency,
and l'll flit away out of your life.
What?
Oh, right. So, that's what this is all about.
You hate the job. You're not suited to it.
Why not hand it over to someone who'd do it better?
Look... l know what you're trying to do, OK,
coming round here, making ridiculous requests.
But Stephanie asked me to take over the business, not you, and l can handle it.
And what's more, l can handle you.
You're quite...fun
when you're angry, aren't you?
Yes.
Now, fuck off.
Ohh.
(Mouths) Ouch.
Yeah, it's 250 an hour.
Mm-hm. Yeah, she...she does do that.
Yeah, and that. Yes, and that.
Yeah, she loves it, yeah.
Er, no. No, Jeff. Because no one does that.
(Mouths) l'm sorry, really.
OK, Jeff, all right. Thank you. OK, bye. Bye.
- l'm so sorry. Sorry about this afternoon. - Me and Poppy had a great time.
No, no. l fucked up. l'm sorry. l promise l won't do it again.
OK. And no more clients back at the house.
No more clients back at the house. You don't need it.
- They don't need to be there. - l know. So where are we going?
Ah, well...
- restaurant and musical. - Yeah.
- All that date stuff you do for work, right? - Mm-hm.
This is something different.
ln fact, if you have been here for work, it's so totally over.
- Mmm. - Mmm.
- Hey, Ben. Hannah. - Hi, Mum.
- Hello. - Great to see you.
lt's been so long. Come in, come in.
l've got to go straight through to the kitchen.
What happened to taking it slowly?
Hmm.
Right. What's for dinner, Mum?
- OK, two words, Ben. Two words. (Laughs) - What?
Skinny dipping. That was your idea, and you know it!
Guilty, guilty.
- Sorry, Anna. - No, no, don't mind me.
There were people l was at art school with who never put their clothes on.
- (Mobile phone ringing) - Mm.
So sorry.
That was great, Mum, thanks.
Shall l make us some coffee?
Oh, yeah. And chocolate.
- We love the chocolates. - Yeah, bring them.
Great, thank you.
- l read your book. - What... What book?
(Chuckles) The one you wrote.
No, sorry... l don't know...know what you mean.
We have quite the forward-thinking book group.
lt's always interesting to see what, er... gets passed off as feminism.
OK.
''Jeremy is the sort of man who, aged seven, told his mother
''he wasn't going to school today because he wanted to help her make pots.''
Well, l mean, it's Ben, isn't it?
Hannah...
l'm not judging what you do or what you've done.
God knows l slept with half of Camberwell in the '70s.
Maybe l shouldn't have raised him in such a liberal environment.
Hi, Mum.
Hello, darling.
Erm, well, l'm... l'm sure you didn't cause him any...
- Are you still working? - Erm, yeah. But a lot less.
- But you're still working? - Yeah.
Now, l don't know what's going on between you and Ben,
but l know how he feels about you.
Do you really think you can keep working and commit to him at the same time?
So, that was, erm... that was grown-up.
- Tajine was good, right? - (Laughs) Really good.
So, what now? You gotta work?
No. Let's, erm...
l've been neglecting you, and l'm sorry.
l'm really sorry. Why don't we just go and do something?
- Let's just go out and do something. - All right.
- l've got an idea. - OK.
- (Ben) You're not looking, are you? - No.
All right.
- l used to break in here when l was 14. - Ooh!
- (Splashing) - Whoa.
My feet are soaked.
- OK. - OK, stay here. Keep them closed.
- Whoo! - Ha ha!
Aah!
(Laughs)
So, was the gramophone a present for me or a present for us?
Meaning?
Well, if you moved in...
you could play your records on it, too.
- Now who isn't taking things slowly? - Fuck slowly. l want you with me.
- Fuck slowly, huh? - Yeah.
- So romantic. - (Chuckles)
- Yeah, is that a yes? - Yeah. l'd love to.
There is such a thing as overconfidence, you know.
Fuck!
Jackie's here. Yay!
She's great, isn't she - Belle? She looks after the girls really nice and that.
What do you mean, she looks after the girls?
(Man) Kat got herself into a spot ofbother
- Who are you, please? - You don't know me...yet.
But l know you, Belle.
ENGLlSH SDH